Lydney Council mows down opposition in unanimous decision to purchase mighty Kubota F391

It was the kind of council debate that could make or break the lawns of Lydney for generations to come: should the town invest in a brand-new grass mower? After much deliberation (and, one assumes, a few wistful glances out at Bathurst Park’s expansive greenery), councillors voted unanimously to approve a five-year hire purchase agreement for the Kubota F391 Outfront Mower — a machine so powerful it could probably shave a cricket pitch into a snooker table if asked politely.

Head Gardener James, the unsung hero of the town’s grassy horizons, presented his case for the 37-horsepower diesel beast. No longer would the council’s green team have to wrestle with outdated kit; now, they would be armed with hydrostatic all-wheel-drive, LED headlights, and — perhaps most importantly — a 72-inch cutting deck capable of chewing through unruly tufts faster than you can say “mulching efficiency.”

The Kubota F391, described in the manufacturer’s blurb as “the efficiency machine,” promises not only to keep Lydney’s parks trim and proper but also to deliver an “excellent power-to-cost ratio.” In plain English: it’s expensive, yes, but it cuts grass very, very well.

Councillors were suitably impressed. “This mower doesn’t just cut grass, it defines a town,” one might imagine a councillor saying as visions of perfectly striped verges danced before their eyes.

Of course, in the age of accountability, the mower’s movements will not go unmonitored. Alongside the purchase, the council requested costings on fitting GPS trackers to all council vehicles, including this new leviathan of lawn care. After all, nobody wants to wake up one morning to find the pride of Lydney Council joyriding through Coleford.

While the finer points of mulching quality, ergonomic operator platforms, and puncture-proof support wheels may not capture the imagination of every resident, there is little doubt that the decision will have visible consequences. From Bathurst Park to the Mesne, Lydney’s green spaces look set to be manicured with precision that would make even Wimbledon’s groundskeepers blush.

The verdict is in: the Kubota F391 is coming to town. And while it may not solve traffic problems, planning disputes, or the eternal saga of community asset listings, at least the grass will look immaculate while those debates rage on.